Head-Exploding Pies
by DragonOfFanfiction
Summary: Arthur is the best baker in all of the American Colonies. There is nothing else I can say about this crack.


_**I did not write this.  
**_I only edited it. A friend of mine wrote all the plot and asked me to upload it because she doesn't have a Fanfic account. So cracky weirdness is not my fault.

Also, I apologize for not uploading in forever... I said when I started, I said that I wouldn't upload regularly but... I didn't intend for it to be_ that_ irregularly. _**I really want to emphasise that I will be continuing all my Fics, so don't lose hope**__**. **_I honestly did intend to upload over the summer but I procrastinated... and procrastinated... and continued to procrastinate... Heck, I've even procrastinated on this since last year... and with being in school nowadays, it's harder to write without procrastination on schoolwork. I'm not trying to make excuses, that's just how it is, most of you know, or at least I assume, know what I'm talking about.

Before I let you move on to the actual Fanfiction, there's one last thing I would like to say. I started a new Fanfiction that is a continuation of_ 'Not Exactly Linear: Tale of the Magic Revolution'_, which I have been the co-author of for just over a year now (another reason I don't post so much). It will be regularly updated. If you haven't read the original Fic, then I encourage you to if you're into both Doctor Who and Hetalia, or even if you're not, since all the DW parts are well enough explained. Or don't, you are free to make your own choices.

Without further ado, let's move on to this crack whatever~

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Once upon a time, in a world recently long ago, there lived a man named Arthur Kirkland.

Arthur was vampire who loved to cook delicious apple pies, in fact, his pies were so good that he lived off of them instead of blood. He was easily the best pie-maker in all of England and often enjoyed giving his pies to poor, unfortunate, hungry souls who could not afford to buy one.

This quickly gained the attention of the English king, who gave him a ship and crew, and sent him to the new word to share his pies with the colonists. Arthur baked his wonderful pies the whole journey and his crew greatly enjoyed them. Once, Arthur had even been able to stop a mutiny by offering to bake each member of the crew enough pies to last their lifetime -and he did keep his word.

When they finally arrived after months of journeying across the ocean, Arthur and his crew set up a bakery. The scent of the pies carried for miles around, and the small bakery was regularly swamped with hundreds of colonists wanting, not just one pie, but dozens of pies each.

One day whilst Arthur was working hard after hours to bake pies for the hungry costumers that would surely arrive the next day, a young man snuck into his shop through the unintentionally unlocked back door.

Arthur only noticed the man when the former was startled by a bellowed laugh, then a loud voice, "Dude, what's with the eyebrows?~ They're huge!"

"Who are you! Why are you in my bakery?!" Arthur shouted annoyedly between defensive huffs. The vampire's eyebrows were a sensitive topic.

The young man seemed a bit surprised at the Arthur's outburst, rising his hands in mock-defence he responded in a lower volume, "Relax, dude... I was just kidding..." He paused a moment before he offered a hand and a smile, "My name's Alfred."

Arthur's hands, along with the rest of him, were covered in dough and flour, so he did not make a move to shake Alfred's hand. "Charmed." The former replied monotonously, going back to making his delicious pies.

Alfred looked around curiously before he inquired what exactly Arthur was doing.

"I'm making pies." The baker-vampire breathed in annoyance.

He heard another bellowed laugh from the colonist before the latter prattled, "Why pie? Hmm... I guess it doesn't matter though... Can I try some?" Alfred seemed quite hungry.

Arthur chuckled, his fangs visible through the slight smirk that appeared on his face. He couldn't resist someone wanting to try his delicious pies, perhaps the visitor deserved a free taste, after all, he hadn't tried to steal anything. "Alright..~" Arthur clapped his hands, which caused a small cloud of flour to form around his hands for a short moment before he pulled a fully cooked pie away from the fire that was keeping it warm. The vampire cut two slices from the pie, one for himself and one for Alfred, and set both on their own plate respectively.

Alfred's eyes grew wide and sparked as he tasted the pie, and the young man paused for a brief instant before gobbling up the rest. "This is amazing! I want to eat this forever!"

The baker-vampire smiled honestly, and he casually replied though he knew the exclamation was rhetorical, "I wouldn't mind -for a small price."

Indeed, Alfred did pay and Arthur baked him pies his entire life. The two became great friends during their time together, but after several years, Arthur had to move to another colony. Suspicions had been surfacing because Arthur didn't age, but no one would know him somewhere else. Arthur was glad that he could at least stay in the colonies for a while.

The vampire baker later met a strange man who called himself Johnny Appleseed in the new colony. Johnny had heard about Arthur's wonderful pies and wanted the latter to bake one with his fine apples, which were also famous amoungst the colonists.

The Apples were tough to bake though, and it took Arthur many tries before he was able to make them into a good pie.

Naturally Johnny wanted a piece, and after tasting the improved pie, he swore to Arthur that he would supply apples to him for as long as he lived. Arthur couldn't stay in that colony for very long either, and soon he had to move. However, he did come back every now and then to get apples from Johnny.

Years and years later, the American colonists rebelled against the English.

Arthur wasn't very concerned, after all, he would live for a very long time regardless of whos rule America was under. However, when he heard word that Parliament passed a law to ban all pies in the colonies, Arthur was enraged. The pies were his wellbeing, the very reason he was sent. He would show the English why America was known for its pies.

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Please feel free to tell me what you thought of this.

**I've been thinking of uploading some snippets of stories that I've had in my documents for some time and couldn't work up ideas to finish and post them. You guys could see what I have and tell me which you'd like to see as a full story. _Please_ tell me if you'd like to see that.**


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